This Year, I Don’t Want a “New Me”
I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about everything just yet. I’m not sure how I want to tackle 2019. But when Christina said I could write a blog post about my musings lately, I knew I needed to think things through in the best way I know how – writing.
Those of you who have seen me recently can attest to the fact that I haven’t really been *myself* lately. And over the course of the holidays, I felt really guilty for not being 100% happy all the time. The week surrounding Christmas included 3 family Christmas celebrations, my brother’s birthday, and my and my sister’s birthday. I felt the pressure to be festive and excited, and I got really hard on myself whenever I found sadness, regret, or doubt creeping in to my heart. I wanted to be happy, because after all, it’s a week filled with family and celebration – what reason did I have to be anything less than happy? Fast forward to New Year’s Eve. I was drained. I went home, ready to cancel my New Year’s plans and watch movies in my bed until 12:02, when I could go to bed and sleep away 2018. Now, eventually I did end up going out with some friends and having a great time, and got to celebrate NYE with some of my favourite people. But I still couldn’t figure out how to wrap up all of my emotions in a neat little bow, and leave them on the 2018 shelf of my life’s closet.
After a lot of tears, several heart-to-hearts with friends, and a lot of self-care, I’ve finally started to understand my thoughts on this new year.
2018 was amazing. And it was hard. It was exciting, confusing, exhilarating, life-changing, and heartbreaking all in one. I loved new people and lost old ones. I got my heart broken. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I questioned every little thing about why things turned out the way they did. I got sick... a lot. I burnt out. I also cried a lot.
I laughed a ton. I saw the world. I drank beer from a mug larger than my face in Munich, learned to row a gondola in Venice, and had amazing apple strudel in Vienna. I spoke French in Geneva, went on a mission to find a wallet in suburban Switzerland, and chose a new path. I saw my best friend get married to the love of her life. I got rejected from what I thought was my dream grad school, and started a programme that I love. It was exhausting and it was wonderful. And I choose to honour all of that. I choose to see my growth and see all the good, while still letting myself feel all the feels about the things that didn't work out. And you know what? I'm going to do the same thing in 2019. I'm going to be gentle with myself, knowing that I'm not perfect, that I'll make mistakes, and that that just makes me human.
Honestly? I’m scared for the new year. I’m scared because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know where I’m going to be in 6 months. I feel like bubble-wrapping my heart so I don’t get hurt this year. And I’m dreading the messaging that’s already everywhere, telling us all to change ourselves by losing ______ pounds or buying _______ product. It’s a lot. Sometimes it feels like all of these messages are validating the reasons why my brain tells me I’m not good enough.
This year is special to me, because it's the first year where I choose the me that I am now. I'm welcoming the growth that I know this year will bring, and I’m trying to be open to feeling all the emotions that come along with being human, even if I don’t always like them. I’m learning to lean into uncertainty, and trust that I’m strong enough to handle it, even when I fall.
This year, I’m going to try to stop apologizing for being.
I don't know about you, but that's a new year's resolution I can get behind.
Post by our New Media and Web Content Coordinator, @allygeist