I feel sexy wearing a pair of high heels and a black lace bralette, strutting my stuff. Being sexual doesn’t necessarily mean having sex all the time, or always wanting sex. It can mean expressing your sexuality and doing what makes you feel confident and sexy.
Ever since a young age, I would say I have been quite the sexual being. I have only recently come to terms with this, and I am still insecure about myself sometimes. I often try to come up with reasons as to why I was such a sexual person growing up, but I can never quite put my finger on it. Why do I need to explain myself? I don’t.
I thought that maybe it’s because I discovered porn at a young age (yes, shocker, I watch porn!). Or maybe it’s because my parents lacked sexual attraction for each other and I didn’t want that for my partners and myself. Or maybe it’s because I was raised as a Catholic, and my dad always told me the sole purpose of sex is to procreate, not for pleasure. Or maybe it’s simply because being a sexual being makes me feel good.
I’m starting to realize that it doesn’t really matter why I have been or why I am a sexual being. What matters is, I feel good about it.
My sexual nature hasn’t always “worked in my favour”, I guess one might say. I am not going to go into too much detail; I’ll just leave you to infer, as you’re probably already doing (and that’s okay, we all do this sometimes). But, briefly, a lot of people have taken advantage of my high sex drive. And, from these numerous men, I have been told something along the lines of “you’re not girlfriend material”. That certainly did a number on my self-esteem.
Why is it that so many men want to have sex with me, but yet, once they get it, they leave?
I can’t put all of the blame on them. I do have some self-control. I can say no. Sometimes I wanted sex simply for pleasure. And I guess I was never super clear with them about what I really wanted. But, with at least a couple of them, I had a small glimpse of hope that maybe they wanted me for more than just my body. That maybe they saw a possible future with me. That maybe they were interested in getting to know all my weird quirks and stories. But, most of the time, that small glimpse of hope was shattered. All that was left was me, alone, feeling unworthy, like used goods that no one wanted for the long term, but maybe just for one night.
It eventually got to the point where I would wake up every morning disappointed, and hoping that maybe the next morning I wouldn’t wake up. I would just sleep forever, and no one could ever make me feel so little about myself ever again.
Tears fall out of my eyes as I write this, because it hurts to think about how little I used to feel. I used to feel so ashamed. I used to feel so guilty. I used to feel like no one would ever want me for more than just my body. I used to feel like life wasn’t worth living.
But, here I am today, writing my first blog post. Writing about my past, which I used to be so ashamed of. But I no longer feel regret. I no longer feel like I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I realize that, as much as it all hurt, if none of it had happened, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t be here to share my story with all of you. Yeah, a lot of it sucked. But, I came out a stronger person.
I am a sexual being. I am not ashamed.
Written by: Kailey Beeney
Published by: Ethereal&Co
Friday, August 24, 2018