About two weeks ago I decided to make a lifestyle change. In the past, I've made choices for the wrong reasons, but this time, was different. Four years ago, I entered university with an unhealthy mindset about food and bad habits of restricting my diet and binge eating. I was tiny, but I was not healthy. I typically didn’t eat throughout the day, exercised like crazy and binge ate at night time. My body wasn’t healthy and neither was my mind.
I’m hesitant to use words and numbers because I want to be respectful of those who struggle with eating disorders and those who are in recovery. However, it’s hard to be authentic and honest without being straightforward. So I will be clear when I say that I am a lot heavier compared to four years ago and I still engage in those negative and unhealthy behaviors. My degree of obesity is high, my liver is unhealthy because of the way I have abused alcohol, I don’t treat my body the way it deserves to be treated and along with that, I don’t have a healthy relationship with food or alcohol.
One day I woke up and knew that I needed to make a lifestyle change and I knew it needed to be today, not tomorrow and no more excuses. I’ve made excuses for myself for a long time and that didn’t get me anywhere. I found excuses for why I was drinking on a work night; why I needed that one extra drink and another one and another one. I made excuses to binge eat; that I was hungry when I really wasn't. I spent so much on products that I thought would fill an emotional gap and used that food as an excuse to make me happy. So I stopped drinking, stopped binge eating, stopped eating the foods that made me feel yucky and stopped using alcohol and food as a coping mechanism to deal with my mental illnesses.
These past two and a half weeks have been interesting to say the least. I’ve been left with all of this free time which would have previously been filled with nights of drinking. I’ve been forced to cope with things head on, rather than using alcohol to make myself feel numb.. I’ve tried foods I’ve never had before and I’ve learnt what it finally feels like to eat food because purely out of joy and to fuel my body with what it needs. I’ve been slowly learning how to cook, rather than ordering out food almost every night. I’ve learnt to say no to both myself and to others when it comes to drinking. Most importantly, I think I’m slowly getting myself back.