I had my share fair of feelings. Feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger, loneliness, shame,
disgust, fear, despair, joy, hope, excitement...Everything feels so intense, just like I might
implode. Yet I’ve been living most of my life trying to suppress them. Trying to hide them, to forget them, to silence them. Numbing my pain. Telling myself the joy I was experiencing only meant I was going to fall harder. I’m good at keeping people at a distance. I excel as being the strong friend, the one you can confide in, the one who’s there no matter what. I need no one. I only relate on myself. Because being close to someone means being vulnerable, asking for help and worst, accepting it. It means feeling. I’m an open book but you won’t see me cry. I might tell you what is going on in my life, but I will probably not let you see just how much it affects me, as if it wasn’t my problem. I want you to see it hurts me, but as soon as you get to close and ask questions I’ll push you right out. We are so scared of feeling. As if how we live at the moment, in our lonely bubble, truly is better. As if it isn’t exhausting... I used to dream I could turn my humanity off just like in the Vampire Diaries so I wouldn’t need to feel anything. Sounds like you?
Thing is, feelings are not destructive. We are. Let me explain, humans are meant to feel. We have feelings for a reason. It’s the chore of our humanity, it is our strength, our downfall. A feeling on it’s own is nothing. Nothing more than a need, a need of more.. Feeling lonely? Lack of self-love. Feeling needy? Lack of attention. Feeling depressed? Lack of hope. Feeling happy? Abundance of dreams, of love, kindness, relationships, empowerment… It’s what we do with those feelings that can be distressful. We are always so scared of losing. Losing control, losing our loved ones, losing ourselves. Feelings are like ghosts, like a song on repeat, always there in the silence no matter what. We need to hear them out to be able to let them go.
Now, we can’t always change the situation we are in that cause us those emotions. So fighting them won’t change a thing. It will only make it harder, and make them stronger. Feelings are like wave, they come in different intensity, ups and downs. Even if you fight the wave, it will still be there and it will still come to you. No need to go head first, all you need is to ride it, slowly. You might fall sometimes, you might lose your balance, but it is okay. Your surfboard is tied tightly around your ankle. Just get back on it. Your surfboard is your support system, your coping skills, your self-care.
I have lost so many moments pushing my feelings away. But when you close your heart, you close it to good things too. You concentrate so much on not losing that you forget about gaining.
Emotions makes us feel alive. Feelings are just like a heartbeat. Consistent. Present. We
often forgets that it’s there, why it’s there. We often forget how to use them. Emotions are a superpower, not a curse. You just need to remember that. Emotions are the blood pumping to your soul, it’s how we connect with others. Make sure you don’t die not being alive.